It's 3 am and I sit in my group of friends who are drowned in hookah at the moment. The movie Welcome plays in the background which no one is really bothered about with occasional laughs.
It’s 4:24 am and everyone has gone to sleep now. I promised myself I’ll write something before the new year hits.
Canada is draining me out. It could be the stupid unpredictable weather, it could be the stupid unpredictable people or it could also be my stupid job. I am not in the vibe anymore. I’m losing.
I work at UPS. My job is to unload packages from trucks. It’s not an easy job because many times I need to lift packages over 100 lbs (50kgs approx.) and I hate it. It’s hard, but it pays just enough to keep me going week after week. It’s like a gym where I do weightlifting for 2-3 hours straight every day. I am trying my shot for a better job and it’s a work in progress. Let’s see how it goes.
You won’t believe it but I used to walk almost 8kms every day. I walked 4kms even before beginning my shift. I don’t have any options here because I left all my privileges in India like everyone else. Now my company has finally started a shuttle service which is a huge relief and saves me about 4kms of walking every day.
I have been walking too much. I like walking now. Music doesn't let me feel the distance covered. But my legs do.
Also, it’s snowing like crazy and my snow boots are really heavy. Every snow boots are heavy. But I wear my sketchers, I'm destined to slip because there's black ice everywhere. Black ice is basically transparent ice on the footpath which is hard to notice. Like it wasn't enough already dealing with this winter.
Public transport isn’t the best here and it’s very disappointing to learn the Delhi Metro is probably the best public transport I’ll ever be in. Here we have this GO train which runs once every one hour and does not run on weekends. The train runs from town to town and not even inside Brampton and it’s nothing like Delhi Metro. It’s really expensive if compared to a bus, but it’s the best way to reach Toronto from here.
Buses are moody. They can go off earlier than their time or they just won’t come at their scheduled time. A few days back, 2 buses scheduled next to each other did not come so I had to book a cab home. I stood at the bus stop at -1° C, contemplating my life decisions. Uber costs me an hour of my pay and work as 4-5 hours per day so it’s way out of budget and only for emergency purposes. I booked one at that time, but it is not practical for everyday use.
I researched about cars and cars are quite expensive to keep and maintain here. Interestingly they are cheap like I can go buy a car right now, but I’ll have to sleep in it as well because my rent money would be used for paying its monthly insurance. Scooters and bikes are nearly non-existent. Even food deliveries are done on cars here.
For relationships: I believe I have a lot to unlearn. It is a mixed 50-50 on what I get mad at people for and what I spare. For one friend, one strike was enough to stop talking to them when they didn't admit their fault. For another, I have fought with them plenty of times but I don't want them to leave because I already have like 3 friends here and the number getting reduced to 2 would be hard to deal with. The circle is too small here. All everyone does is work.
I moved away from my friend here because my cousin sister offered me a spare room in her house. In 15 days of moving in, she told me I’ll have to move out because her in-laws are coming. I got kicked out so I went back to my old place. Now three people live together: Me, my friend and his girlfriend. They are nice people and even though my friend could be a d*ck sometimes, I live with it.
I don’t know how to put it in words but every table feels weirdly lonely to me. I love everyone because everyone is an amazing person in my group here. I can talk for hours and hours with any individual because everyone is equally interesting. But in a group, I fail to vibe. I enjoy it but I don’t peak enjoy. I love their company, but I am unable to figure out what’s off.
I earn and spend everything on my own and I am doing well financially. This means I cannot blame everything on my finances.
Maybe it’s because I have absolutely nothing to stress off from. Almost everyone I know uses alcohol or drugs or smoking to de-stress or just to keep themselves going. What the fuck was my de-stress mechanism? Oh, it was just venting out to my gf all the time or my Indian homies. Never thought I would be using the term "Indian Homies". Anyway, my gf left a few months ago and I believe the dent will take a long time to fix.
I bought an Xbox Series X just to stop my running train of thoughts. I barely play it once a week whenever I have an off the next day. My roommate has clocked way more hours than me because I just don’t feel like playing it. I bought Max Payne 2 for it, a game made in 2003 and I probably finished in 2006-07. I finished it two days back. I realized I was taking nostalgia hits by playing such an old game because the present kinda sucks.
I don’t care about oversharing anymore because I haven’t been sharing anything lately.
My newsletter sounds like I am not okay but I am okay, not that bad. I am just confused I guess, or the better word would be kinda lost. I’ll be fine I guess.
Happy New Year everyone! 💕✨
<3
🤌🏼❤️